Transcript: HIMIT S2EP15: The Ultimate Truth is Always Love: Jeannie Crowell

Jeannie Crowell 00:04
When I really got down to this authentic self, or just the me in the moment, which was just love, and I could just feel love, and it was like I was crying because I could feel love and loose, like, just fear was gone. And I realized the only truth is love, and I knew that. But when I had to step out of that and function in the world you know, I felt like I was trapped by these versions of myself that I had constructed for myself or society constructed for me.

Kristin Taylor 00:53
Hello, and welcome to How I Made It Through. My name is Kristin Taylor, and I’m an executive and life coach. I’m continually awed and inspired by those who have walked through challenge and adversity, only to come out the other side more self aware, and more deeply purposeful in their commitment to wisdom, love, and compassion. Our lives are short, but they are not without meaning. And I believe we are more alike than we are different. My hope is that this show through the sharing of ordinary people, moving through extraordinary circumstances, opens minds and hearts by interviewing those who have a lot to say about why we are here, and how to live more fully. Today, I get the pleasure of interviewing one of my very favorite people, Jeanne Crowell. I met Jeannie through her business, she was the founder of one of the nation’s leading comprehensive residential college support programs. I was providing consulting work as my background is also in coaching in the higher ed space. Upon meeting her resume, she was not what I expected. And I mean that in the very best way possible. Here’s just a bit of her official bio, and then I will share my experience of her in that first meeting. Here’s the bio. She is a master coach certified in executive neuro and behavioral change coaching with specialties in mental health, higher and alternative education and corporate leadership. Over the course of 40 years, she has created, branded and operated to niche multimillion dollar businesses, which allowed her to acquire an invaluable education that can only come from experience. She has had the good fortune to train and be mentored by top talent in the coaching industry, who instilled in her the power of establishing a brain environment that is primed to achieve goals, overcome challenges and thrive. Using this approach, she has successfully coached over 500 people to achieve their goals. As a leadership executive, she has facilitated over 25 workshops and how to build teams and implement change management strategies. As a brand strategist, she has helped people take their ideas and turn them into viable business opportunities and provided ongoing mentorship. During her years as a coach, he has developed a coach training and development program which has graduated over 100 coaches. So impressive right. But here is what it was like for me. Upon first meeting Jeanne, sporting both a ball cap and a great sense of humor. I was immediately put at ease by her unassuming and authentic wife. As her two dogs scurried about behind her on Zoom meetings, I quickly realized that she was someone I didn’t have to hide my dogs are taking the snoring from Genie like me loves the ridiculous and loves to laugh. I knew immediately that I wanted to get to know this wonderful woman better. And I did get to know her better. I got that on her when she hired me as her coach. Coaching is a funny thing. In creating a container in which others can ideally heal and grow. I often end up feeling like it’s my own healing and growth results. This was certainly the case of Genie. Genie brings a depth of character in heart, mind, and spirit. I experience her as a courageous explorer in the landscape of human psychology, neuroscience and spirituality. This is evidenced not only in the body of work she’s created over her career, but also in how she engages all aspects of who she is in this lifetime. Her story is richly layered as it is profound. And it is for this reason that I invited her to be on the show. I trust that her journey or insight and her wisdom will serve as an inspiration for others, much in the same way that it has for me. Welcome, Jeannie.

Jeannie Crowell 04:41
Thank you, Kristin.

Kristin Taylor 04:42
So I want to start as I do with all of my guests with the beginning and because I know you I know your story a little bit in the beginning and your story really matters in terms of who you are, how you grew up and your sense of spiritually why you’re here. Can you share a little bit about your upbringing with us?

Jeannie Crowell 05:02
Well, I grew up in Boulder, Colorado. My father was a professor at the University and my mom was a feminist activist. Both of them were dyed in the world, dyed in the wool, liberals. I had four brothers. And we traveled quite a bit because my father took sabbaticals. So we, like I lived in New York City in the city as a child, I lived in Italy for a couple years as a child, Washington, DC. So that really shaped me in various ways, because I was exposed to so many different cultures and had to learn to adapt and had a worldview that was different than most of my peers who I would come back to in Boulder. And I would have had these experiences and been so much more sophisticated, but completely behind in culturally what was going on in my age group.

Kristin Taylor 06:05
That is so interesting. So what was that like being on one hand, really sophisticated culturally, but also not up to speed in terms of what was happening in that community?

Jeannie Crowell 06:15
Well, there was a separateness, you know, that I experienced, which has started earlier in childhood. But that just sort of continued that feeling of loneliness of being alone. It wasn’t not understood, just nobody else could relate to what I was going through, or where I was at, or where I, what I was learning. So, you know, I was looking for friendships that had a little more depth that had different types of conversations that expose been exposed to a lot of cultural things. And that just wasn’t available. You know, my friends were trying out for cheerleader. And I was like, why would you do that? That’s so stupid. But so there was that?

Kristin Taylor 07:14
Okay, okay. And so that loneliness, you and I have talked a lot about that, that loneliness. And I remember upon first meeting you, one of our first conversations, when we were working together was of a spiritual nature, you were talking about sort of pulling the curtain back, even as a child and inquiring into sort of, as you saw at this stage, can you speak a little bit more to that?

Jeannie Crowell 07:34
I can. So you know, I don’t know how young I was, and what words I used. I’m not sure there were words for what I was experiencing. But I remember thinking and thinking it was just my imagination that I was on a stage and behind these big velvet curtains. And I peeked, you know, through the curtains to see what was on the stage. And there were all the people preparing for the roles they were going to play in my life. And I got scared and just, you know, really stepped back. But that had such a big impact on me as a child, because I kept thinking, why wasn’t I on the stage with them? Why was I watching from behind the curtain? Was this just a stage play in a sense that I was participating in? Who was my mom? Was my mom, really my mom? Or was she sent into entity I mean, I didn’t have words as a child. But I remember thinking, Oh, this is what’s going to happen. And I didn’t have a very good feeling about it. It was scary. And so that was something that stayed through my life with me. And as I had better words for it, I was able to describe it more and more. And so that that’s always how I felt. And I still feel that way. But now I understand how much bigger that concept is than I used to think in terms of consciousness and the lessons that I came to learn. And there it was before me, and I feel like I had cheated by looking, too. So I always sort of felt guilty and then thinking, well, maybe because I cheated. I’m going to have a harder time of the target. They, you know, whoever that is going to make it more difficult for me.

Kristin Taylor 09:39
That’s so interesting. That’s so interesting. You taking the conversation where I was hoping you would which is paraphrasing what you’ve said, as a child, this sort of ineffable sense of this stage and this big velvet curtain and you were sort of cheating the system by looking in and who was my mother, and then as an adult understanding I want to make sure we’re spending more time And they’re as well have a much better both words and connection to that stage and what your experience was. Tell me what you mean about cheating and who they is and how you make sense of that now as an adult?

Jeannie Crowell 10:16
Well, I think even as a child, I sort of understood the constructs of what was being created. And so as an adult, I was able to expand on that whole ideas, I was able to talk to people who could have those type of conversations. And, you know, the, I think the constructs that I grew up with was somehow that was cheating, or, you know, I had a very dysfunctional family. So how I was wrong somehow for, for this feeling, or this belief I had, and that I had a very difficult childhood. So I would relate that to like being punished, or cheating coming in, and they, I think, they were, you know, just, like, some reality I’d created as a child, I didn’t really understand who they were punting, you know, the punishers were as they but sort of a, you know, a God like entity, I guess, something that had bigger control and was going to make my life the way it was, which was either going to be better or worse.

Kristin Taylor 11:39
Okay, so some sort of like you weren’t raised religiously, is my understanding. Is that accurate? No, both my parents were atheists. That’s what you said. Right? That’s what you said. But even so you had internalized in some way, the sense that there is an ultimate source or something that could be punishing, and that you knew is so interesting to me, that you say that you knew, or felt like something not good was on its way, in terms of your life and your childhood? Mm hmm. Can you share a little bit about what you experienced as a childhood that feels informative to this conversation to that end?

Jeannie Crowell 12:14
Sure. Well, you know, there were a lot of traumatic events as there are in most people’s lives, one of mine was being sexually abused by a adopted brother. And I, you know, it started out, you know, I was not even being groomed, it was just being in the situation, my mother put me in with him, because he didn’t know how to read, he was quite a bit older. So I was learning to read, so I had to teach him and at that time, he was abusing me. And eventually, he tried to have intercourse with me, which was extremely painful. And I remember all of a sudden, leaving my body and I was sitting outside my window and tree looking in on what was happening and feeling completely detached. Like, oh, who is that? That’s me, you know, and, and it was such a significant memory. I mean, I could see the curtains, I had these little lace curtains, they’re sort of blowing in the wind, so it blow open, and I would see, and then I would sit, and I don’t remember popping back into my body. But what I do remember, and I think it was very shaped, or shaped me was that I am not my physical body. And I’m, I can be separate of my physical body, and therefore there’s two of me. There’s one that can experience things as a witness. And there’s the other one that’s actually, you know, in the physical body in the physical world, experiencing suffering and pain.

Kristin Taylor 14:01
Wow. So number one, so so sorry that that happened. I mean, it’s excruciating thing. And I’m here really hearing the connection between when you were a child who didn’t have the words but sort of been outside of your life, and hear you are having a direct experience of being outside of your life and recognizing those two states of consciousness, so to speak. How old were you?

Jeannie Crowell 14:23
That was seven.

Kristin Taylor 14:25
You’re really young. So that seems as you said, really significant that experience. Take us into adolescence, and a bit more.

Jeannie Crowell 14:35
Sure. So, you know, at this point, obviously, I have I have trauma. My parents don’t believe me. I don’t have the word for sex. So I just was saying he’s trying to kill me and there was, you know, well, and they’re like, No, that’s obviously not happening. So I started to really disconnect from my parents. expecially my mother, who kept trying to define her or make her reality, my reality. And I was very resistant to that, because I knew it was wrong. And I didn’t know that mine was right. But I knew hers was wrong. And so I started, you know, trying to separate and I ran away, I actually made it from Boulder to Florida on an aeroplane. So I was very, very motivated. And then I got off the airplane, I was so scared to go know, what was the rest of the planned brain fully developed. But I was really adamant on on separating from her because she was such a dark negative influence on me and was very path theory powerful being eventually she ran away. And then she came back. And at that point, I’d really just, I’d put a wall up. And at that time, you know, I’m living in house with four brothers and my father, you know, there was there was no room for femininity or softness, it was sort of survival of the fittest, and you know, on the outside of family looked great. But on the inside, you know, it was a pretty big mess. But I started doing drugs. And I, the first time I did drugs, I was by myself, I my mom and runaway, you know, this is my narrative. This is my story. And I waited for her to call on my birthday, which was about three months into it. And she didn’t call so I went a new one of the things she hated the most are my brothers were doing drugs. So my natural rebellion was to, to go and do that to make her pay. And, you know, we lived in Boulder. I mean, everybody smoked weed, all of you know why parents were drug people. But you know, most of my friend’s parents were. And I realized, the first time I smoked pot, I was like, Oh, this is this, this is what I want to do. This is some knowing. And I remember sitting there listening to the Stairway to Heaven. I think you know, I know I know, know what this means. But that started a relationship with drugs for the next several years, which had become my best friends. I was really into hallucinogenics and acid, LSD and shrooms. And I loved those experiences as well. Because they reinforce that. Oh, yeah, there’s another reality. There’s not this is not all there is, which reduced the suffering I was having. because it allowed me to disconnect. It was like, okay, that’s your experience. But there’s a whole nother dimension out here. That doesn’t involve that doesn’t involve suffering. It’s an awakening. And I did feel at that point, for the first time in a long time. Like, I, the drugs are confirmed what I knew. And yeah, so that all abruptly came to an end when I had run away, and I was living with my schizophrenic boyfriend in DC, in a housing project, I mean, which is like my parent’s nightmare. And I was, he was out of the mental hospital, we were mugging people were stealing their purses. Because I didn’t want to work. I had to had a job at Bloomingdale’s. So I had this very divided personality. I knew how to show up and and sell things at Bloomingdale’s, but I was also, you know, this completely other person. So anyhow, I had to quit my job, so I could take care of him. And that’s a whole nother story. But we got arrested. And any of that this is Oh, yeah. Okay, yes. And I remember walking out into the parking lot. And there were cops surrounding the parking lot. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I wonder what’s going on. And then I sort of got this sinking feeling in my stomach. And I thought, Well, I’m just gonna walk into my car and see if I can drive out of the parking lot. Cops all came around, because we’ve been using these credit cards all over. And so I had all these accounts of forgery against me and when they arrested me, or you know, I just I pled guilty right there, or like, did you and I was like, yep. And I remember being in the paddy wagon, and I was just crying hysterically, because I really wasn’t a criminal, right? The guy opens the door. He’s like, What did you do? Like what is the hysterics? And I was like, Oh, I stole these credit cards. Because I thought you’ve killed somebody and just slam the second window which was, which was a great experience because it just I was like, Oh yeah, I didn’t kill anybody. Like, this is not the worst thing that could be happening to me.

Kristin Taylor 20:10
Perspective. Yeah, you didn’t know but but I mean How old were you you and you’re like early 20s at this point. How old are you?

Jeannie Crowell 20:18
She just turned 18 Three days earlier.

Kristin Taylor 20:24
You were a kid. Oh m y gosh.

Jeannie Crowell 20:25
So anyhow that was a big wake up call for me. And I had to I went through sentencing and my actual boyfriend went to prison. And God you know, electric shock treatments he was in a prison for the criminally insane but fortunately, the people in my life testified that we don’t know where she went, but this isn’t who she is give her another chance. And so, but I was very antisocial this time I had a mohawk I was like really into mosh pits and and then working at Bloomingdale’s, you know so it was a very interesting life.

Kristin Taylor 21:05
Duality – there’s there’s a theme of duality going on….one foot in two different worlds.

Jeannie Crowell 21:15
So during my sentencing, I basically had to shave my head my mom had bought me this little eight line skirt and his lace them sitting, you know, in this thing, and the the judge the detective even he was testified on my behalf because you as she’s not a criminal, she told me everything the minute I asked.

Kristin Taylor 21:36
That has not been a criminal, right? (Laughs)

Jeannie Crowell 21:39
But I was pretty antisocial. And I say that because the judge said, Okay, you have to go to college. And I was thankful at the time, but also sort of shocked that you’re sending C me to college, like I have to go to college, like what because you know, I never i grad, I got a hand in my diploma. So I would leave the school because bad things are happening to me at the school anyhow. So, you know, I hadn’t been in school for years, really. And so being sentenced to college was what I was very thankful. But on the other hand, I didn’t think I could do it. My dad, because he was a professor got me into the University of Northern Colorado, I did exceptionally well. But I didn’t like it. And I kept feeling they’re trying to, you know, this is them trying to change my reality like this is this, like religion, I always was really against religion, because I was like, Who are you to tell me who to think or what I should believe who made you God? And I felt like that about school? Why are these the only courses I can take. And so I was resistant to the idea. But I transferred to the University of Colorado, and ended up in a metaphysics class. And I don’t even know why I signed up for it, probably because it was at four in the afternoon when I woke up. But I remember I, you know, and I wasn’t like, book smart. And so it was a very difficult class. But it was the first time someone spoke in an intellectual way, I guess about what I was experiencing and about how energy can’t be destroyed. And so then what happens to it? Like what happens when you die? What happens to that energy? And so that was a real opening for me to say, Okay, there’s actually people that spend time really thinking about this. And I started looking for those types of situations where I could talk in Boulder that wasn’t very difficult. Right.

Kristin Taylor 23:51
So that was a turning point. Mm hmm. That was a major turning point. Well, I mean, I know we’ve had many conversations over the years, and you have many stories that was one that I was not aware of, and that is so colorful, and fascinating. Oh, yeah, we’re so young. Okay, so you have this class, and it’s this opening, that I’m not alone in this. How does that help to shape the trajectory going forward? Yes, I do around there’s more to this and how you found your way in the world?

Jeannie Crowell 24:22
Well, you know, I, I remember asking a question in that class, because he’s talking about the universe, right? Well, what is the universe? And I said, Well, you know, I said, Well, where are we? And he said, you know, are we in the universe? And you just kept letting me ask questions. I said, but but where is the universe? That’s My bigger question. Like I get that there’s a universe but where’s the universe? What is the universe part of them? Like most people, you look up into the sky and it just blows your mind is like, wow, you know, we’re nothing really and that was a real A wonderful feeling to go I’m nothing, I don’t matter. And it wasn’t like a bad thing like, I don’t matter. It’s like, Oh, it doesn’t matter what’s happened to me doesn’t matter. It’s shaped me. And there were lessons of suffering that I had to work through. So I can break through that. And, you know, but I think that separateness that had manifested the despair, I was feeling the started to have, there’s some light shining on it through those kinds of conversations I was having, you know, my other questions were, what time are we in, and when is that time and is there time, and so I started, you know, being able to have conversations on a level that were deeply satisfying. And then I went on to work as a art teacher and wilderness therapy instructor for a school at the, for emotionally, at risk. Kids. And so I did a lot of emotional work a lot of uncomfort and covering of the anger, you know, it was a very, it was sort of a like, a little cold this place, but it did help me, you know, it was like, we were beating pillows, trying to get all that anger out. And I just felt these layers coming off as I was releasing all this protection that I created, and reconnected with sort of the authentic self, which was just in that present moment. And I remember really struggling to not be in the present moment, because I felt like every time I stepped out of that, I was separating from myself, and becoming something that I was supposed to be, you know, that I had to be.

Kristin Taylor 26:59
Let’s stay there. That is really, to me such an important thing to unpack a bit. So say that again, you were struggling with the present moment, because each time you would leave, saying that again, I feel like there’s something so potent there.

Jeannie Crowell 27:18
Yeah, well, so when I really got down to this authentic self, or just the me in the moment, which was just love, and I can just feel love. And it was like I was crying because I could feel love. And it was like, the fear was gone. And I realized the only truth is love. And I knew that. But when I had to step out of that and function in the world, you know, I felt like I was trapped by these versions of myself that I had constructed for myself or society constructed for me. So I had to show up, and it felt like I was abandoning myself. But I didn’t know how to do both.

Kristin Taylor 28:05
Yeah, I imagined so many people. I know I can relate to that. I know I can relate to that. And what I love about your story thus far, and what you’re sharing is one that sort of having one foot in two worlds. And they were always drawn to our own healing, even though we’re showing up to be guides for others to heal, like the therapeutic that outdoor stuff they were doing with kids, that it really was you finding and healing, at least the beginning of healing from the trauma. But moving through the world as a spiritual being, I had to do that. Oh, yeah. So how did you how did you do that as you move through life, because I know you’ve got motherhood, and you were you were very accomplished in your career. Well, fortunately for me, I had people in my life that stepped in that saw that essence, or saw the searching and saw the suffering that that searching was causing. And it had very, very profound effect on me in terms of centering. And I saw this woman who was was channeling and she was amazing. She worked in, you know, the government education and she was just this powerhouse of a woman. And I had this opportunity, this rare opportunity to have her channel for me now is pretty scared because I had had the channeling before but it always sort of been lingering. I don’t know about this, right. But I knew she was for real. And she she said, What do you want to talk about? And I said, Well, why did I have to have my mother? Because my mom, you know, it’s this powerful being in my life. And she goes, You need to thank your mother. And I remember just being like what’s going on. And she said, you know, she, she agreed to play this part for you. And it wasn’t easy for her. So you could learn certain lessons. And, you know, I had no words, because it was the first time someone had talked about what I knew when I was so young. That Oh, oh, and I introduce, you need to thank your mother. And this will change your life. Well, it’s a process, right? Because she, she was she was quite the beam to do this for me. But that really shifted a lot of things for me. And I, I was able to separate myself from my mother, and see what she was trying to teach, which I came to his unconditional love with boundaries, because I loved her deeply. But you couldn’t be in relationship with her without boundary, like really severe boundaries. And so I, you know, I started searching more for experiences that we continue to sort of unfold this knowing I had. And I, I was also really into the wilderness and backpacking and mountaineering, and I was a wilderness therapy instructor. And I saw how the wilderness healed these kids, you know, he’s also a therapist, and it was sitting in a room with these adolescent boys. And I was like, Oh, my gosh, we got to get out of this room, you have ADHD, you know, let’s just go on a walk or just talk about anything. And spend a lot of time in the woods. And that also was allowing me to be in the present. And so I think that was another really vital important part of me, because you could, I could just sit and commune with the trees and just be in awe, and be so thankful to be on Earth in this construct that we are those reality we agreed to experience together and just the profound beauty of Earth and instead of being like, Oh, just get me off this earth. Yes. Which, you know, I had wanted to die and wanted to kill myself a number of times out of that loneliness. But, you know, I, I couldn’t do that to my mother. So I just hit really, really high risk behaviors constantly hoping that the result would be death, but it wasn’t because I wasn’t supposed to leave. Wasn’t time for you to exit this. So good. That’s so good. Yeah, I really appreciate your words in here, this, this construct and the idea of, you know, when you’re trying to fit into a world that you don’t feel like you are a part of, and these little constructs, whether it says a little girl, and they’re trying not to be cheerleaders, or in a world that just feels like this does not fit because I’m not part of this mainstream consciousness, there’s so much more. I love you being out in nature, and communing and moving outside of that construct so that you can open up to presence and feeling more aligned with your, with your path and supporting others and finding theirs.

33:30
And I had a lot of spiritual experiences in the woods. Yeah, I want to share one or two Well, I had one when I was walking through this, these trees and I’d probably been out for two weeks at this point. And I just remember walking through this grove of trees and realizing that they there was like they had beating hearts and all of a sudden I was looking up and I realized that they were alive in a different way that they had a presence that they had a soul or a spirit or whatever you want to call it and thinking that am I having an acid trip because I remember thinking are they you know acid are stored in your fat cells and that’s why people can sometimes have you know, those experiences later without drugs. But I also knew that something was happening and I realized this is like this one tree was my grandfather and the other tree was my grandmother and I was protected and I was whole and that they were watching over me and that they said it’s just going to be okay. Just gonna be okay. You can let go it’s going to be okay and feeling so loved and protected in their presence and just crying crying like her. Tears of I don’t want to say Joy Boy, I just I hate the word Enlightenment too. But it was sort of that like, Oh, you have lifted me. And you’re holding me and I’m going to be okay. And it was like the trees became my mother, you know, my grandmother. And so that was one of them. I miles had another really amazing experience. I was out in Alaska for a month in the Alaska range. And it was the week before we were gonna go. And I went down to this lake, it was very, very foggy, and I had to pee. And so, you know, I’m down there doing that. And the cloud clears the fog off the lake sort of clears and I see a wolf probably, like 25 feet from me. And then the fog. And I was like, Okay, well, I just made that up. I have a very active imagination. But I thought, well, maybe it was because you know, my, the smell of my urine or whatever. And then I went back to camp. And one of the guides that we were with was actually wrote a book on wolves. And he lived in a den with wolves. And he goes, Oh, did you know that there’s some wolves around the lake? And I thought, because we, I thought, okay, and I talked to him, and he was like, oh. And there was a wisdom between that brief moment without Woolson me, it was just like, the eye contact was like, Oh, we are one. We’re a manifestation of each other. We’re just part of this big energetic field. And yearning energy came in as wolf mind came in as a pain, but there was a deep understanding of our places in the world and our connection that had nothing to do with Earth. So those were two of those experiences.

Kristin Taylor 36:53
Yes. Just such a felt experience that I’m hearing, it’s hard to find words to capture what you felt when you were in those moments, but they were life defining as what I’m hearing.

Jeannie Crowell 37:04
Yes. And then the other thing was eventually doing an Ayahuasca ceremony. I couldn’t do Ayahuasca because I was on antidepressants. But I was invited by the shaman to be a witness. And it was it blew my mind. And I remember at one point being called by the shaman up, he’d never said my name, you know, everybody was sort of in a trance, like states, but I just felt this energy lift me from the floor and pull me to him. And so I just went and sat in front of them. And he was speaking in tongues, you know, and the rational part of me is like, okay, really, but the other part of me was like, the, just be there with this. And he was speaking in tongues, and I heard my, my grandmother, and she said, It’s okay, none of this is real, none of this matters, all these things that happened to you, none of it matters. Basically, you are okay. And it’s okay. And you can laugh and you can be light hearted and enjoy. And that the the past doesn’t exist, because that energy has changed, and is taken up other forms, so to be trapped in that, I mean, she wasn’t saying it quite like this, but being trapped in that is, of no service is just creating suffering. And you’re okay. And, and it’s, none of it matters, which is was also so profound to me. And I walked away from that. And got a lot more serious about things, thinking about my life experiences, and the ancestors and all of those things. And just to enjoy, and laugh and be able to have lots of laughter I always made fun of things because I thought, well, they’re funny, really. But I think my sense of humor to people like you really think that’s funny. is funny, everything. It was horrible, but it is sort of funny.

Kristin Taylor 39:04
Yeah, yeah. So what I’m appreciating about this is so much of the direction of season two of my show is about channeling and is about the afterlife and is about the fact that consciousness does not die and being able to connect and whether it’s knowing things because I’m hearing you talk about care Claire cognizance, just sort of this download of just knowing you don’t know how, you know, but you know, you know, as well as connection to those departed or guides. And I know and conversations that we’ve had, you’ve talked about being able to see hear feel things when you were listening and I use the word listening as if it’s, you know, auditory may not have been How did you experience the words imparted to you by your grandmother was it through voice was it through knowing? Did you see her? Can you can you see hear a little bit more about that?

Jeannie Crowell 40:02
Well, after the Ayahuasca I did a couple of the ceremonies like this, but after that first one, I met with a shaman the next day. And I said, How do I stay in touch? You know, how do I bring this into entity with me this snowing with me and you use Oh, she’s, she’s with you, it’s always been with you, I will be with you. I will be the channel or the channel for that connection to happen. And you won’t know what’s happening. But it’s happening. And I thought, well, that’s really interesting. And I just knew to trust Him. And so I, I would just mostly on hikes or in the woods, I would just feel her presence. And so it wasn’t really a conversation, but there was a strength to her. And there was, I remember at one time, sitting down and in a healing circle kind of thing. I imagined that envisioned her sitting in front of me. And she was just drumming and she sheet the drumming was or like, it wasn’t really drumming. It was like sort of a, I don’t know, a beating on a drum, I guess it was sort of some kind of drumming. Just knowing that she was there. And she was my, my ground. And she was she was connected to me. She was my guide and my protector and my. My grandmother, I mean, yeah, not my real grandmother, but my ancestral grandmother.

Kristin Taylor 41:51
Yeah, the deeper sense of the word almost darker typically.

Jeannie Crowell 41:56
Yeah. And so the channeling was quiet. And when, you know, I started to meditate and became very, very difficult for me, until I met you. And that, you know, it was like meditations about listening and to God, and praying about talking to God. And I remember in those meditations when I got better at feeling her there. And feeling her holding me. So I can let my body go. And just the peacefulness of that. And I felt like you know, she she’s like, You chose this journey. You chose these these things yet. I’m here to hold you. And I’m here to let you know that to not take them too seriously. You know, which I had been taking them very seriously. So there was just moments where the channeling I felt her with me, but it was a I don’t know, a wisdom that wasn’t spoken.

Kristin Taylor 43:11
Yeah, yeah. That is, I think what you’re saying is Clairsentience and Claire cognizance, it’s just the sense of this feels. This feels hasn’t that and I know I’m putting words to something that is often without words. But the comfort that she provided and protection I’m hearing you saying was so powerful, who but it wasn’t up for debate, it was just so facts are known.

Jeannie Crowell 43:42
Yes. So you’re not in this alone. I got you.

Kristin Taylor 43:45
Not in this alone. I think so many of us crave that whether we’re looking towards spirituality, or we’re looking towards religion, or whatever it is that we are not in this and you you know, this harkens back beautifully to the beginning of your story, which the son says child of being alone. And feeling fearful like some bad shits gonna go down. And this is scary. Why Why am I here? Am I going to be punished? And here you are getting this affirmation. No, you are not alone.

Jeannie Crowell 44:13
Right. And then, you know, you and I started working together. You know, I’d been running this business for quite a while I was very burnt out, didn’t know how to leave was really, really bought in to the idea that of capitalism, which is causing a lot of suffering, like this is what I have to do to feel safe. And you and I had a lot of conversations about that. And eventually coming to the idea that my search or my quest for security is causing this insecurity constantly like in my life. Yes. And just learning to be I had Epstein Barr Virus which put me in dead for a couple of years and you understood what that It was like, and it was like, okay, Janie, I was very athletic, really on the go. And I was like, Nope, we’re stopping you in your tracks, we’re giving you lots of hints. And now you just need to be silent. And listen. And during that time, I also started having some physical ailments, really bad neck. And I had this really profound moment with you, when you were talking to me about that I had angels around me, and you said something so simple. But I believed you, which was, you have angels around you, they’re just asking you waiting for you to ask for their support. They’re there anytime you need it. And they’re just there for you. And so it was interesting, because I had to have a neck surgery. And, you know, everybody was like, oh, it’s gonna be so painful. It’s gonna be so horrible. And just through your guidance, we developed what we call team spirit. And, you know, Calling all angels, they were waiting, and they wanting to help. And my crown chakra was the portal for inviting the men and you taught me what that meant how to do that. And, you know, they, they just, it was just an amazing thing. The doctor calls it a miracle, I call it a miracle. So I went in for this surgery, and I had to get to it spacers put in my neck, and artificial disc cells, it was a pretty big, pretty big thing with a long recovery period. I woke up the next morning, I had no pain. You’re supposed to be on painkillers for a couple of weeks, at least 10 days, I didn’t need them. And, you know, I’d asked my angels to be there for me. And I set that intention from a very loving place. And then ask it asked for what I wanted. I remember you said, you know, you have How do you? How do you activate your heart chakra is basically what I asked you to envision something that reminds you of love. And I remember, oh my gosh, I love to watch these silly videos of kids cracking up little babies cracking up. And so I wouldn’t just get that and I just start laughing. And then I would invite him, right. And so I, that was an amazing experience for me about how this whole thing could work for me, like, Oh, I’m not being punished, and I’d let go that but this was like, oh, there’s a whole nother side. Like, I can ask for help. Yes. And it was like a part of me cracked open. And I’d always sort of been able to see step outside of myself and see myself sometimes in meetings, I’d be listening to myself talk and watching myself and going really. But it really separated me from my ego. And because I realized, oh, you know, ego is just one of these other constructs as creating the suffering. And really that that doesn’t serve me at all? And how do I step into this new place with this new understanding that in miracles, if that’s what you want to call them, happen. And I was able to walk I was I had no pain. And I healed they when they went to do the X ray for the follow up, I had healed and he was just like, this is like impossible. And I’m just thinking the whole time, you know, about you and the work we had done.

Kristin Taylor 48:54
The work we had done. I mean, it’s such such a miracle to me. Is that Yes, I may have been the coach. But it was just this facilitation of welcoming in support. Oh, right. But through who you are, and what you had experienced and what I would think as, as this sort of why soul who is so receptive to that connection, the immediacy with which you could take some ideas that I brought into a conversation and connect with divine guides, angels team Spirin it was such a thing of awe for me to bear witness to much like in a different way. Of course, this surgeon is like this is amazing. To me having a client and a human being in my life where I can see this dynamically unfolding. It was also like this is a miracle.

Jeannie Crowell 49:50
It is and from there you know, I realized I mean, you took me through this process as well as I had to let go with this business. which I had been running for 20 years, and it wasn’t serving me anymore. And I just realized I was no longer available for careers, things that were defining me, and that I had to let go. And that was really scary. It was like, I have to let go of this business, which was, you know, it’s the pandemic, I’ve lost money. You know, there’s financially straining, and, you know, here I am, and later in life, and I’m sort of starting over in my own mind, but I’m like, it doesn’t matter. I have to I can’t do it more. It’s binding me. It’s holding me back.

Kristin Taylor 50:44
Yeah. It’s making you sick.

Jeannie Crowell 50:46
Yeah. Yes, it was making me very sick. And to say it, take that leap. And say, just let it go. Love, right, going back to the only thing there is, is love. And me holding on to this is just your manifested, and I don’t want to be there anymore. And I don’t know where I’m going to be. I don’t know where I’m going. But that just allows me to be here, then.

Kristin Taylor 51:14
Yeah, yeah. Well, that sounds, you know, one sentence to capture it. It was such an act of courage, and an act of faith, and an act of honoring, honoring, not only every nudge in your body that was saying, this isn’t healthy, this isn’t good, and all of your intuition and everything that was coming up for you, but what an act of courage to say I don’t know what is on the other side. And I’m at this season in my life. And, you know, I imagined I would know exactly what was on the other side when I was ready to retire. And you did move through faith with courage. Tell me a little bit we talked to and we’re gonna go into wrap up because I mean, I could listen to you forever. But you have to be mindful of time. We talked a lot in our sessions about illusion. And you’re talking a lot really, without necessarily using the word a lot illusion, it feels like the magically I am hearing your story in the way that you’ve shared it today. Illusion is a big part of as well as recognizing, really, what is truth? So what is truth? And how does that hold you today as you navigate your life?

Jeannie Crowell 52:27
Well, it’s really helpful to understand that thought is just illusionary and gives you choice. And most of my thoughts been responsible for my suffering or the suffering we experience. And now I feel like I’m looking at thoughts from a different perspective. And I wonder who is that? You know, who is that that’s thinking that and that has just created this amazing feeling of freedom from myself. From my problems, I saw that I’m bigger than what I do. I’m bigger than my body and everything and everyone, I’m no longer a fragment of the universe, I am the universe. And that’s where I’m at today is just, you know, I don’t try to think about it, research it, I just sort of try to be with it. And at times, that’s, you know, it’s just, it’s really difficult to live in a world when you’re like that, that has so many constructs for how you should be what you should think. And so just really, trying to be more and more aware, and I’ve had some people step into my life that are really amazing. And you sort of talked about how that would happen, you have to let go. For you know, the doors are closed for a door to open. And so that journey creates space. The journey really continues and it is all about the truth. That love is the only thing is real. And love is letting go of fear, which was one of my favorite books as they’re trying not to let fear creep in. Because it’s not my fear. I feel like these constructs we had in our society are so powerful, it’s hard to escape them and you know, you still have to go to the supermarket you still have to eat such money. I mean, don’t but I’m not so evolved. I am going to go live in a tent in the wilderness. Yeah.

Kristin Taylor 54:48
Well, is this deep conditioning is this sound like I’m doing a hair commercial? And shaped especially if you think you think about capitalism, like There’s this sense of scarcity. There’s some that have and some that don’t. But this, what you’re really talking about I hear is mindfulness. You know, am I the thinker? Or am I the thoughts? And I’m being seduced by thoughts that keep me imprisoned in fear? Or can I take a different perspective and just see thoughts and emotions as things that I’m experiencing, but not who I am or what I am?

Jeannie Crowell 55:24
Yeah. And I’ve been a therapist for so long. You know, I really saw that. How many people’s mental health diagnosis at least young people were really just them struggling to function as capitalistic society that’s sort of a moral for them, especially this generation, destructive, overwhelming, overbearing, unsatisfying, yes. And sort of void of meaning.

Kristin Taylor 55:46
Deep conversations Jeannie,

Jeannie Crowell 55:50
Yeah, sorry.

Kristin Taylor 55:52
Don’t ever apologize. It’s it’s contextualized. In that though, instead of the the burden, the onus, being this person is sick is understanding that here is a human being in a spirit trying to find their way and learn and experience all that they’re here to experience. And there’s a framework that says, that doesn’t belong at his illness. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it has been such a pleasure. Is there anything I have not asked you? Or anything that you have not shared? That you would like to share?

Jeannie Crowell 56:22
I guess one of the things I would say is, laughter is been so important in my life. And I don’t know maybe the vibration that that creates, if I could pass anything along, I could is, you know, through all of this, if you can keep a sense of humor, and find yourself laughing. You know, I think it opens up our heart and I can sort of feel my chakras spinning when that happens. And so, laugh and joy find the humor in things. So good. Lighten up.

Kristin Taylor 57:03
Lighten up. There’s a book right there, lighten up. I love it so much. And I love you so much. Thank you so much for your Kristin. Thank you so much for everything you brought to me and how you walked alongside of me through a very important difficult time in my life. And we arrived together in something that feels like a miracle. So you’re also one of my Earth Angels. To not sound too corny. No, I think we are way past corny but sometimes corny is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Jeannie Crowell 57:42
Thank you, Kristin.

Kristin Taylor 57:43
You’re welcome. Thank you, Jeannie. Thank you, Jeannie for sharing your extraordinary story and reminding us that at the end of the day, love really is the only thing that truly matters, and that life is a whole lot better when we prioritize laughter. If you’re enjoying these podcasts, I ask that you share them. We need your help and getting these important messages out there. sound engineering for today’s show is provided by Shane Suffriti. To learn more about Shane, please visit shanesuffriti.com. If you are looking to increase your own wellness, reduce your anxiety, or deepen your own personal or spiritual awareness. These are areas I specialize in as a coach and we’d love to explore working with you. Please reach out to me at coachkristintaylor@gmail.com. Thank you for tuning in. And we’ll see you next time on How I Made It Through.

EIQ Media, LLC 58:39
How I Made It Through is produced and distributed by EIQ media LLC. Elevate your emotional IQ with podcasts and content focused on overcoming adversity, leadership, mental health, entrepreneurship, spiritually transformative experiences and more.