Tim Perreira 00:03
If I want to, you know, get leaner I do this if I want to put on some muscle I do this I could not figure out how to get what was going on in my head out of it.
Adam Baruh 00:24
Welcome to The Change where we share stories and inspiration from business leaders and people making positive work life changes. I’m your host, Adam Baruh. Personally, I’ve always had a profound need to be a responsible provider for my family. Throughout my 22 years as a father, I always felt that I had to put my family’s needs above my own to the extent that over time, I feel that I lost the concept of even attending to my own needs. I have two adult children and two children under seven. And I run two companies. So I’ve also had this belief system that I didn’t even have the time to take care of my personal needs. This culminated in 2020 and early 2021, with a series of intense anxiety attacks, that became very frequent. It was then that I realized I needed to provide balance in my life. The idea of work life balance, or harmony did not exist for me. I was so stressed out that when I was at home, I couldn’t take my mind off the problems and projects I was dealing with at work. The result? Several physical and mental health issues. Here to speak with us today about men’s health and the challenges men and women face with prioritizing their family’s needs over their own is Tim Perreira, a coach and advocate for mental health. Hey Tim, welcome to The Change.
Tim Perreira 01:35
Adam, thanks for having me. Excited to be here.
Adam Baruh 01:38
Yeah, of course. Thank you. So let’s start with your background. If you would tell us a bit about where you grew up what your childhood was like. And really anything from your childhood that informed the work you’re doing today focusing on mental health.
Tim Perreira 01:50
Yeah, I grew up in Southern California in, you know, kind of on the border between Encinitas and Carlsbad, about 25 miles north of San Diego. And, you know, I’d like to think it was pretty normal childhood, i don’t know i terms of how it translates to now I played sports year round all year round, a lot of baseball, football, you know, a little bit of basketball, wrestling a lot of time at the beach. And, you know, I was pretty fortunate to be able to play baseball through college, I went to Sonoma State, you know, after a little stint in junior college, and I think, you know, for me, it was I just, I found something where I could pour everything into, you know, I got really into, you know, working on mechanics, I was a pitcher. So always working on mechanics are trying to throw harder, get stronger, I got, you know, I really started getting into physical fitness and strength when I was probably 15 or 16, I think when I started to see I had some potential to go beyond high school, and I started to really commit to that and put in the work. You know, and so then taking that, and then, you know, post college, I just have this huge competitive drive, I feel and so I think like a lot of college athletes struggle to find, you know, their footing in the corporate world, you know, what the heck are we going to do afterwards in like a lot of athletes found myself in a sales position, and kind of bounced around, trying to find one that that fit, I sold some really technical, you know, sales gear to the printing and packaging industry. I then went and worked for the Padres and sold season tickets and groups and sweets, which is it’s kind of fun, a lot of hard work. But you know, met some great people and then I, I ended up getting into tech sales. And it went on, I think it was just a way to you know, for me, it was easy to understand, hey, the better I get in, you know, kind of like, the harder I worked at my craft and getting better, not just working hard to work hard, but you know, the more money I can make, that the higher up on the leaderboard, I would land and those were all things that were a big priority for me in my early 20s. And then, you know, through that process, I did really well and I got promoted in a role and moved across country to New York to manage a sales team and sales office there and you know, in terms of my health, that’s when things kind of started to not be so amazing and and you know, I gained a little bit of weight. I was probably drinking too much on the weekends. I was you know, I was doing some fun things in New York, New York has a lot to offer a lot of burgers, a lot of share halls. You know, I’ve really struggled to sleep so I started really getting into different aspects of wellness, sleep nutrition, better race, you know, I can get stronger as I started to get more into martial arts and jiu jitsu and, and so kind of the the short version is I took a lot of the struggles I was going through and also my interest and passion for wellness and wanting to get better and things more clearly and have more energy and be fitter and stronger and just feel great. And took those and just kind of have ran with it for the last 10 years or so. And so since leaving, which we can get into, but since leaving the tech world almost two years ago now, I’ve kind of taken, you know, the last decade, I’ve really just been obsessed with the wellness space and for my own personal gain and personal needs, and have used that to start helping other guys.
Adam Baruh 05:30
Yeah. So I remember when we spoke previously, you mentioned it was kind of around the time you were working in sales, you started to develop this feeling of that underneath the surface, something, something wasn’t right, there was something simmering inside you, you weren’t happy or living the life you want it. So would you go back and describe, you know, for us, you know, that experience what what that was like, and what was going on?
Tim Perreira 05:55
Yeah, it’s, um, you know, it’s interesting, because I think a few things happened, I think I was saying, you know, post post college, which isn’t unique to me, but I feel I hear this story often with with people that especially I’ve played sports, but it’s, you know, you are so focused on one thing in a team environment, and everybody moved in together, and you’re all in on this one thing, and then all of a sudden, one day, it’s completely gone. And so a lot of people really, you know, spin their tires, trying to figure out what the heck to do next. And that’s how I felt for probably four or five years after, after, you know, getting off the team and after college. And what I found, though, is I was able to at least direct some of that energy into sales, and I saw a little bit of success. And, and while I didn’t feel completely at home, and like I was meant to sell software, I did like certain parts of it. I like meeting people, I liked the competition, and I like growing but and then what I noticed started to happen is I started to do well and make more money. And then I would get promoted and make more money. And, you know, I had gotten a little bit of status through the promotion. So you know, within the company. And what I had noticed is I was getting to a point where I was becoming more fearful. And this is probably something I realized, in hindsight more fearful to step away from those roles, kind of the golden handcuffs that a lot of people get it, right, it’s terrifying to slip away. And so what I did was I moved across country three different times and change jobs thinking it was the job thinking it was the city, what would happen is I would get into the sales role for six or nine months in, and the same things would come back. And, you know, I was doing my best to build relationships within the company, you know, help out clients and, and whatever in and I just really felt like, something was off. And I was like, Man, I wish I could, I know I want to do my you know, want to start my own business or do something on my own because I love the idea of, you know, being able to take a Wednesday off and get lunch with a friend. But also if you love something, you know, work you work through the weekend, I’m just like, that makes more sense to me than being forced to sit in a seat for an X amount of time and, you know, be just treated like a button a seed and grant and expandable if I don’t if I don’t hit quota. So these things were really building. And then I think over it was my last move. I was in Chicago, I was actually go I applied for a visa to go to Australia, I was done. I was like this is not working for me. You know, I was not really working. I was working probably four hours a week, I was making great money in Chicago, but I was in tech and I just hated it. And I was like I want to do what I want to do, I want to do something that active and like in the wellness space, I didn’t really want to be a trainer, you know, but I was like, I just have so much passion for it. And I love helping friends when they reach out. And so I was like, Screw it. I’m gonna quit. I’m gonna move to Australia for a year on a bartender by the beach. And I’m going to crow coach at a CrossFit gym. And then I got a I got hooked on a buddy reached out one of my best friends and offered me an opportunity kind of sold this company to make a lot of money and great tech. So I did that. And I moved to San Francisco, I moved to the Bay Area. And sure enough, same thing happened. Yeah. And it was just it didn’t take too long for me to realize in this was the first moment though in the last in the handful of years where this was kind of building where I was like, wait a sec, the one thing that’s consistent is me. And so it’s not going to be found happiness and fulfillment and meaning and and me being you know, having mental health like I was I was in a pretty tough space for a handful of years. I was like it’s not going to be found in a new city. It’s not going to be found in a new job. And I think that was the first moment I had where I knew I wasn’t better overnight. And I actually was probably the same at that moment. But it was the first moment that allowed me to kind of showed me the light at the end of the tunnel where there’s a way, but it actually is going to be internal. And, um, I got to put in the work. Yeah, I got to do some hard stuff moving forward, because I’m not going to find it anywhere else. So I gotta start being true to what I want to do.
Adam Baruh 10:13
Yeah, absolutely. And you describe for me, you know, around this time, me, you, you were battling some pretty serious depression, as you described it to me. And we’re in a very low place, we’re thinking, you know, even even to the point where you thought potentially, you might need medication to solve that. So tell us about, you know, that experience and, you know, being in that low place, but then, you know, finding your way out of that.
Tim Perreira 10:39
Yeah, I was, I was so stuck. I felt like I kept. I felt like there was no answer. No way I couldn’t figure it out, I was somebody who has just been, you know, like I said, I’ve been so interested in like, learning about nutrition, and, you know, movements and getting stronger and better ways I can sleep and everything I need to do. And with me, I just, you know, and so I figured out, hey, if I want to get leaner, I do this, if I want to put on some muscle, I do this, I could not figure out how to get what was going on in my head out of it. And, you know, again, is those traits that made me super driven and competitive and want to keep getting better, were also the same traits that I believe prevented me from, you know, being in a position to be vulnerable with a friend, tell a friend or telling my parents, I didn’t tell anybody for four years, nobody knew I was going through this. And meanwhile, I would be out with friends in Chicago, we’d be out one night, and I would just disappear, I would go home because I was on the verge of breaking down while we’re out. And that happened. I mean, countless times so many times. And so there was a moment about to the one you’re, you’re talking about about two years in to dealing with this. And I was like, You know what I find I got to do something. Like I finally came to the point where I was like, I’m gonna go get some help. And I found a psychiatrist in Chicago. And I remember driving, I got to come out of the city about 25 miles north or so. So nobody would, could potentially see me go in or anything like that. I remember going in, I had a hoodie and had sunglasses on. And I walk in, you know, just like, hurray was you probably want to eat, you know, at the time, I am just like, so out of my comfort zone being in there, you know, being vulnerable, or opening up was not exactly part of my brand at the moment or at the time. And I go in and I sat down. And they just asked, you know, why you hear what’s going on? And and so I told him, what was going on work, how I was feeling, you know, how I like wasn’t able to sleep how I was, you know, like, Brian 50 times more than average for the past, you know, probably more than I had in the last 10 years combined. You know, I would in a week. And I was like, I can’t I don’t know what’s going on. I have no answer. I’ve been trying all these things. I can’t figure it out. And the first words out of her mouth where we can write you a prescription for that. And I said, I stopped and I said fuck that. And I got up and I walked out. And I just like, I was so mad, you know, so angry. I was like, man, finally I get it. But also something clicked. I was like, I get it why people don’t get how you know, you’re finally in a position to be vulnerable. And they they just want to write you a prescription and get you out. Yeah, put a bandaid over it. Yeah. And there were like, there wasn’t even one follow up question. That was the first word out of her mouth. And so I wasn’t any better when I left there. And it took a while. But I was definitely a lot more determined.
Adam Baruh 13:48
Yeah, I’d like to stay with this for a minute because you bring up something that is definitely something that I dealt with, just with dealing with my own trauma from the past and, you know, impostor syndrome, and just, you know, me being an empath, kind of like thinking that it was a weakness, actually. So I wanted to ask about shame, because I know you spoke to me about this before, and you were just touching on that, that feeling of embarrassment, right going to going to get help. And so there’s some level of shame there. So tell us you know about your experience with shame here and maybe just, you know, your thoughts on why we’re so afraid to talk about these things why we’ve been so shameful to think that we’re feeling a certain way that that’s not good.
Tim Perreira 14:37
I think you know, there’s there’s definitely a lot of angles to it, or a lot of things we could talk about, but um, you know, definitely is guys, for the most part we’re not. We’re not taught how to, you know, be vulnerable or express and that doesn’t mean you have to, you know, cry with your best friend every night but even just being able to share with somebody and be Okay, that, you know, sharing that you’re not bulletproof.
Adam Baruh 15:06
Yeah.
Tim Perreira 15:06
Right. You don’t have to stand there as Superman, and be like, yeah, nothing’s wrong with me ever, you know, it’s not so much I think people hear the term vulnerability, and they think kind of this extreme what you have to do, it’s like, man, no, just being okay with it. And then going back to shame, it’s like, Man, I think of the things that, you know, were going through my mind, I’m like, Well, for one, I don’t want my parents for one or my friends to worry about me. You know, I don’t want them all the way on the other side of the country. And I’m at this time, so I was like, last thing I want them to do is just be constantly, you know, thinking about me for two, I, it wasn’t something you know, in my life. And I know, a lot of guys are like this, I’ve never talked with somebody about that, or they have this persona, that they’ve been fulfilling their whole life, and maybe it’s not who they truly are. But they’ve been keeping it up for so long. The alternative just seems so foreign, in the alternative of being just authentic and being real. And yeah, and so it’s interesting. And now when I think about it, you know, I always try to because any, that’s still comes up for me, you know, and I always try and think, like, Okay, if my best friend is sitting across the room for me, and he’s going through something, of course, I would want him to feel comfortable telling me, and I think that was that was a major thing that really started to get me, you know, out from my, my comfort zone of bottling everything up and, you know, putting on this, this kind of shield of wit and sarcasm and defense mechanisms and all that and just yeah, you know, understanding and and you know that one of my favorite quotes is like, when you exercise vulnerability, you’re no longer vulnerable. And it’s so true. You know, when you can tap into that and just be real, I think it really allows you to connect with people on a deeper level, and people see you for human and then you know, for me internally, what it’s done is just is release so much of the tension that is bottled up. I know, I kind of went off on a tangent there, but no, no, what I really want to call out is what happened that I think everybody should know is actually a lot of my friends extended their arm out even more, you know, brought me a lot closer to a lot of my friends. And I’ve maybe because I’ve I’ve kind of always been kind of always had my guard up at least with nuclear, like, I don’t know, I have a massive friend group, you know, I’m pretty pretty particular with who I keep in my inner circle. So maybe that was a result of having that tight inner circle. So there were some in there that, you know, still kind of surface level Convo. And I still love the guy. I know, deep down, they’re not totally I know, they’re great. But But definitely, you know, and it’s, you know, my best friend and I chat about this often where sometimes, you know, we’ll hang out with, you know, old friends or whatnot. And we’re like, Man level of conversation never just leaves leaves the surface, which is fine every once in a while. But yeah, definitely, definitely noticed that and noticed, it just became more aware of it to in situations in maybe like, meeting new people or in groups of people I didn’t really know and just started observing this level of conversation and the guards that were up and the lack of vulnerability and, and really, you know, insecurities or fears that are manifesting in different ways, like after going through all this work for a few years, and really discovering a lot of that myself. If anything, it just creates a lot more empathy for people and what people are, you know, what they’re going through? That was really..
Adam Baruh 18:40
Absolutely, I think it’s opened up my eyes to really kind of, you know, try to experience I think, you know, what other people may be going through, I’ll share a quick story. And then there’s another section I want to move on to but my wife and I used to do wedding photography. And there’s this wedding, we have been working with a couple for a long time. We loved them, they were awesome to work with. And we were super excited for the day of the wedding. It was like we had everything all planned out, it was going to be beautiful. And then we show up and we had like the wedding planner from hell who just road my wife and I the whole time and you know, we were very experienced, we’re like what, you know, she doesn’t need to this lady doesn’t need to constantly be all over us telling us where to be and what to do like. And, you know, we found ourselves really just having a bad experience at that wedding because we were not vibing with this wedding planner. Well, after the wedding. You know, we went and everything was over all the guests pretty much had left and we sat there was a fire like an outdoor fireplace and we sat there and we were having a glass of wine and the wedding planner came over and so we were just, you know, just talking surface level stuff and she actually had that shared with us. She said You know, I’m so sorry that you know, I haven’t been myself today. I’ve been worried my son is having open heart surgery tomorrow. And it’s like, I share this story because it’s that it’s that perspective where, you know, sometimes we we should find ourselves maybe taking a pause where, you know, if somebody is a certain way, you know, maybe there’s a reason for that, maybe they’re dealing with something in there, they’re having a hard time opening up to it and, and sharing what they’re going through. So, you know, my wife and I were just so grateful to just have that had that opportunity for her to open up to us. And then we had a good time sitting with her and just talking about a bunch of stuff afterwards. But anyway, just wanted to share that story. I just, you know, just crazy. Yeah, just find it interesting. You know, sometimes we forget that it’s important to do that, from time to time, just kind of think about what other people may be going through.
Tim Perreira 20:46
Yeah, whether it’s something acute like that, yeah. Or even cry, like, we don’t know, you know, there. Again, you don’t know what people are going through. And they may just so we don’t know, fear insecurity that comes out in certain settings, or what, and it’s, I don’t know.
Adam Baruh 21:00
Yeah, and I mean, maybe something to help with the shame too, is, you know, thinking, like, if we’re feeling a certain way, just kind of having that understanding, like, you know, probably more people are feeling the way that I am. And so, you know, this is kind of the intention here with this podcast, right? Is, is trying to normalize these conversations, because I think we all do deal with really challenging things throughout our lives and just having that relatability that, hey, you know, like, we’re all kind of in this, perhaps I’m not as alone as I, as I thought I was with my feelings. Right. So, you know, you’ve spoken publicly about your your battles with mental health issues. And you spoke to me before about that time that you first did open up and talk publicly about your depression, andthat there were, you know, 75 or so guys, I think was the number that you that you expressed to me that had reached out to share their experiences after, you know, very vulnerably shared about your depression. So what was that reaction like that you had? And, you know, having that feedback from that many people?
Tim Perreira 22:08
Yeah, it was, you know, probably, I remember the posts, I first posted on Instagram in March of last year, and I had really started to turn the corner in November. So two years ago, November, so right here. Yeah. And, and I kind of forget, at the moment, what compelled me to put this post out there. But I know, it was a massive moment, because I was never anything, like I said, I had never told anybody. And I was about to put it on Instagram, or not, like I have a lot of followers 650 people. But um, and what was crazy was the second I hit post, this unbelievable weight was lifted off my chest. And you know, I did it because of the work that led up. And I just, I felt so much better about making decisions that was true to what I wanted out of life. And I was paying attention to really what you know, my heart or my gut wanted me to be doing, and what just felt right. So I started following that. So this was just something that felt felt right, and I was like, you know, I’m gonna put this out there. And if anybody if it helps one person, it’s worth it. And so I started getting some responses, I got all these messages. And in, you know, the ones you’d probably expect, or people would reach out and get, provide support and love and be like, Hey, man, I had no idea, right? If you ever need anything, you know, I’m here for you. You know, there was a lot of that. But then there was also a ton of, you know, direct messages or text messages of being like, man, your post was, you know, I felt like you were talking to me, or I felt like you were describing what I’m going through. And, and so then I would, you know, started having conversations with these guys. And you know, they’d be like, Hey, do you be open to chat? And so when I get on these conversations, and so that I saw that, and then I was like, Okay, well, let me let me do another post about it. And then that transition to well, you know, let me I don’t know, why did LinkedIn, but I was like, let me post on LinkedIn about it. And then the next day, I wrote something different about it. And then it turned into, you know, a year plus later, I’ve been posting every day twice a day on LinkedIn for somehow but just started getting this wave after wave of guides that would reach out and, you know, I would be chatting with guys and they’re like, Hey, man, I never met these guys, but some of them but you know, some of them, they like some people from high school I thought hated me, you know, for no reason people I used to work with, you know, obviously good friends, and then complete strangers. And they’d be like, Man, I just, yeah, I really liked the post, you know, taking the SEC to open up and they just would ask a little bit about the story. So I would just go into it. I was like, I’ve already written it. It’s already out there. So I let me just be I saw an opportunity to kind of roll myself out there for them and in the chance that they would feel seen or feel comfortable to share if they wanted to. And that’s what started to happen. They’d be like, Okay, this guy in front of me, now kind of has this he’s composed talking about what he went through. And, you know, wasn’t that long ago, we have a similar background, and I would get these guys just open up to me, you know, all the stuff they were dealing with. And they’re like, Man, I have, you know, you are the first person besides my wife and my therapists that I’ve ever told, you know, and I met this person six minutes ago. And, and so more and more just started reaching out and people asking like, How’d you How’d you do it? What do you, you know, what clicked for you what, you know, whatever. So I was like, I don’t know, I can’t really put that in the sentence. But if you want to chat about it, let’s, you know, let’s get on the horn. So it just, it turned into this thing where I just saw some power in talking about it often in sharing and being somebody who tried to provide, you know, a little bit of perspective on my approach to it what I was dealing with, but didn’t talk about stigma and everything. And I think the fact that so many guys have reached out and I know there’s hundreds and hundreds of more that haven’t said anything, right? Because we don’t we don’t reach out as guys. Sure. So the fact that there were that many that took the time to send me a message book, a call, hop on a call and talk about it just shows me how big of a need there was to really lean into this.
Adam Baruh 26:27
Yeah, there’s definitely a tremendous need. I think we’re at a really interesting time right now, where you know that the conversations around mental health are starting to get more in the public sphere. And you know, what you did, being vulnerable and opening yourself up, we just, we need more of that across the board for more people. Because that, really, there’s so much power in healing through just showing that vulnerability, but then also being a healer, just opening yourself up and creating that safe space where somebody can talk to you because they know you can relate to what they’re going through. I think there’s tremendous power in that.
Tim Perreira 27:05
Yeah, I tried to I think it’s an interesting because I was trying to figure out why it’s resonated with people. And then also, you know, what parts of it specifically, so I can try and do more of that. And, you know, I’ve tried to do is just just show that, look, I’m a, you know, normal person. And I just try and make it as as relaxed as possible, bringing it up, I was like, it’s just something I went through, you know, doesn’t, I used to think it defined me, right. And I’ve learned, you know, it doesn’t, it’s just normal part of being human. And we all have these things and insecurities and fears. And, and what happens is when we let them fester, and we don’t bring them up, you know, that’s when they get out of control. But I’m like, you know, you don’t have to be, you know, just trying to change the idea of what a man is supposed to be in a way, you know, I’m like, I’m a, you know, a guy that loves to lift weights, I love eating burgers, I like beer every once in a while. Now I drink glass these days, I was like I do jujitsu five days a week, you know, I love to do combat sport. You know, I’m not just trying to paint this picture that there’s, you know, you can be multi dimensional, or you can have different layers to who you are as a person. And that’s all right. And at the end of the day, like making the decisions to do what’s best for you as a person. So you can make it through the struggles and be even stronger on the other side. Whereas if we don’t address them, and we just knock them, and we just let them sit there, you’re just, you’re not letting yourself grow and become really the best that you can be. That’s really how I how I view it.
Adam Baruh 28:40
Yeah, what just rose to the surface for me is when you were describing, like a belief system, and how identities can you know, get built around these. And that’s a dangerous place a little bit for people, I’ve gone through that. So I can completely attest to it. I, I had this belief system through negative self talk and otherwise, that there was something wrong, that I wasn’t good enough, right. And then I think it was just happening for so many years that it became an identity. You know, I just kind of thought, Well, I’m different. And, you know, I’ll never be like everybody else, right? You know, part of opening up and talking, at least for me about my stuff I’ve gone through and developing a higher sense of self awareness. It’s like, you know, I think what truly has been going on and what, what my, what I feel like my breakthrough was was recognizing that I went through this process of creating an identity around the belief system and that’s, that was, that was a flaw. I mean, in and of itself. That was where I I went wrong. There could be different belief systems, I can have a different identity that I believe in and so I’ve been working hard to give nurturing thoughts to myself and build a new identity around all the positive things that I’m you know, focused on and doing so.
Tim Perreira 30:02
100%
Adam Baruh 30:03
Yeah. What are your thoughts on the on that relationship between belief systems identity? I mean, was that your experience?
Tim Perreira 30:08
Yeah, what when it really started to click for me was just thinking of the idea that everything is made up every 100% of things, you know, whether it’s traffic rules, I was thinking about that earlier today, actually, my bike ride or you know, your first name, things like religion, how you should act in social settings, you know, what, how guys should express emotions. I mean, all of this, at some point, is made up. And what happens is during our life, we start because of our experiences, you know, and how we’ve done something and then how people react. And we, you know, we take that information in, but over over time, we develop this narrative about ourselves and our position, our relation to the world. And what was really interesting for me, is the idea that look, understanding that at some point, when you were born, you are a perfectly clean slate, right, you’re just a happy little baby, nothing had happened to you started changing, based off of your perception of what happened in the outside world, right? That was so powerful to me, because it was like, it’s something that can be made up once, you can certainly make up a different outcome. And you can choose the outcome. Absolutely right. And then also understanding that you are the way you are in this current moment, because of the you know, accumulation of your reaction to how you perceive things. So if you start to change how you perceive the outside world, which is basically you’re changing your mindset, you’re changing how you view the world, then you can completely do a 180 on your life, you can completely change your every day, how you view yourself, and it’s so powerful. Because once you really get that, and once you understand it, you are completely in the driver’s seat.
Adam Baruh 31:56
Absolutely. So yeah, let’s talk about this imposter syndrome and the inner critic, which are issues, again, that I’ve had profound experiences with. You know, I had a lot of anxiety both and thinking that I had to be someone else, but also a lot of anxiety and resisting those feelings. And you’ve talked about this resistance and how instead, it’s better to focus on and I’m going to quote, you’re here, recognizing them as they are, and that they can be tools that you need to be able to overcome them. So, you know, describe this a bit more for us this process of changing the mindset whereby we resist less, and allow these emotions in so that we can use them and learn from them.
Tim Perreira 32:37
Yeah, I think if you start seeing emotions, as for one detach from them, recognize that they don’t define you, and you’re just a human. So they’re going to come up absolutely, you know, what’s really cool for me is is pausing when an emotion is coming up, and actually recognizing what part of the body it’s coming from. It’s something I like, I don’t know, even if I’m, like, pissed off at something, or, you know, really nervous, I still enable in the moment to be like, Oh, that’s so interesting. It’s specifically in my core, or I’m excited and my fingers are tingling, or, you know, whatever. It’s like mindfulness. Yeah. And I think that’s a big piece for guys, too. Because the emotions come up, you know, whether it’s like, we get sad, or we get scared, or shame or whatever. And, as guys, we don’t, that doesn’t fit the identity we’ve been conditioned to think we have to live up to and so guys are afraid of those emotions coming up. Because they think it’s defining them, they think it’s not normal, they think it’s not manly, if you will. And I think just understanding you don’t have control over those, they’re gonna come up anyway, you’re a human, you know, human beings have the same subset of feelings that come up, and so our emotion, so just understanding that, and with that as the foundation and being able to objectively see them as they are, you know, then what I think you’re allowed, or you’re able to do is you’re in a position, and you’re more willing to not just resist them, because when we tie our identity to them, and we think, man, I’m sad all the time, or I’m scared or, you know, I would never tell anybody, but yeah, I’m scared shitless right now. We resist them. We don’t want to feel that. So we push them away. And so by resisting it, you never get to, for one experience them. And through that experience, gain a takeaway, and what you can learn and again, for me, it comes back to like, How can I just get better through this experience? And so what I believe is that by resisting them less by accepting, they’re not you and they don’t define you puts you in a better position to do so. And in turn accepting them. Okay, letting them have their time in front of the microphone. Let them say their piece are going to go away at some point, and then using that to examine the situation. And what happened and one of my favorite quotes by Peter crone is you know, people and circumstance will reveal where you’re not free. And basically just saying, like how you react to things outside of you. You should use that as the ability to examine what the heck that means about you, if you’re getting pissed off, when somebody cuts you off every time, you know, when you’re boiling your bloods boiling, when you ask somebody out and they reject you, you know, when you’re cold calling and someone hangs up on you, or whatever it is, that says more about you than it does the other person, the event itself, the situation, the circumstance, you know, may not be ideal, but it’s objectively just neutral it is what it is, the meaning just comes from what we, how we apply it. So that’s kind of how I think of, of emotion. So if we can get into a state of, of acceptance and not resisting them, it’ll just allow us to see them as they are, what can we learn from them? How can we move forward, and then I think that really just leads to a much more calm, like a calmer inner peace, almost because you’re not fighting yourself every time something comes up that you, you feel is challenging your identity, if that makes sense. Right?
Adam Baruh 36:02
No, this definitely helped me in my journey of healing. You know, this is this is a concept that Tara Brach is an advocate for with her concept of RAIN, which is a process of recognizing and allowing and then investigating and the nurturing these emotions and the sensations in your body. And, and truly, you know, that practice alone with rain and mindfulness was, for me a key that led to a greater sense of self awareness. I’m super happy that you brought that up and, and, you know, related to that same experience. So you have an article entitled, “Cultivating Optimism”. And I’d like to quote a part of that article: “What is optimism? Hope for a good future, anticipation that change is imminent belief that something we dream of will happen. Future projections, we can’t be optimistic of the past improvement from how things currently are. Trust that the universe will work itself out a thought rooted in positivity.” And a bit further on in the article, you say, you know, it’s choosing to be intentional with our thoughts, and the world we see for ourselves. So, you know, in my own challenges, that I had, you know, overcome last year, you know, for me, like I was just describing with RAIN, I mean, I purposefully chose to be more intentional in my actions and my thought process, so tell us what this process was like for you. Um, and you know, really what the work that you’re doing today to help you know, men with, you know, mental health issues or physical health issues, you know, with with choosing be intentional with your thoughts.
Tim Perreira 37:45
I think what I you know, really, especially with myself that I try and challenge myself with is notice areas where I default to take the easy path. And, you know, things that are maybe obvious for people like sleep in, hit snooze, watch Netflix, instead of read or do a sleep routine to wind down you know, order takeout instead of whatever, keep the shower warm, instead of taking a cold shower, whatever it is, you know, getting up to exercise 5am In the morning, and I always try and as best I can, obviously nowhere near perfect, probably like a 50% success rate at this time. But, but catch myself when I am defaulting to the easy, short term solution that’s going to hurt me in the long term. And when I think of optimism, I think especially with me, specifically where this came from, and this actually was from a gentleman I was working with, who had had got some news about his health, and he brought up he’s like, one of this is one of my goals, I’m trying to call cultivate optimism. And he’s like, I’m just figuring it out. It’s just something I thought through and what it meant to me. And, and I think it’s, it’s really easy to, you know, I have such a loud inner critic, I consider myself a high achiever in terms of expectations and my actions, not necessarily of results thus far. But, um, so because of that really competitive hard on myself, and so because of that, tend to default to negative thinking, and worse outcome, and, you know, thinking like, why things won’t work out. And so it was just as awesome experience to sit and think through, like, what does it mean to be optimistic? If I, my mind has been thinking a certain way for a long time. So I know it’s going to be hard. I know it’s going to take a long time to start getting more and more optimism. So if I can really break this down, and really think like, what the word means and what it what it embodies, you know, somebody that is optimistic, like, we all know that person. You know, they light up a room, you’re always like, that’s the person you want to you don’t want to call your negative friend. And so I just thought it was such an admirable quality. And, and I think, you know, reframing for me specifically reframing scenarios where my default mind might be thinking of the lack or the opportunity to get better, right, which I’ve probably mentioned a few times in this call, like how I think about getting better, right, as opposed to more optimistic thinking is reflecting on the good that’s happened, you know, or, or the possibilities, you know, what’s to come? Right, what I can aspire to, and just think much more in a positive mode of, you know, thinking kind of a term buzz term that’s going around lately is like thinking more of a in abundance, as opposed to a mind of scarcity.
Adam Baruh 40:44
Exactly. Yeah. And I really liked that you titled it, “Cultivating Optimism”, because that implies it’s work. It’s not something that’s, that can just happen. And since you were referencing baseball, and I’m a huge baseball fan…Go Giants.. this morning, or earlier, you know, before this call, I was just looking on Twitter, and there was a post by Corey Garin, who was a reliever for the Giants. And I’ll just quote him a little bit: “When I was 29 years old, I learned a life lesson I’ll never forget, I was new to the San Francisco Giants, and struggling to make it in professional baseball, baseball had been a challenge in every possible way. And I wasn’t sure I could keep going. Until one day, I was speaking with my friend, Hunter Pence, who gave me some important words of advice, you are the creator of your reality.” And I just think that’s so profound, we just often forget that, if we want to feel better, if we want to put in the work, to put ourselves on a path to get better. It is work and just recognizing that that’s, you know, a life long exercise, it’s, it’s not something that, you know, you can just kind of put in the work, and then you’re done. It’s just it’s going to take a very consistent routine. And that’s okay. And there’s actually a lot of fun, and great lessons that you’ll learn by doing the work.
Tim Perreira 42:17
Yeah. And I think one thing that’s worth noting, too, if there’s anybody that, you know, is is struggling, and, you know, when I think of I what I always try to do Adam is think like, How can I come up with a message where myself three or four years ago would listen? Because I know me then like, I was reading all the stuff, doing all the things and it was just, it takes the right info the right quote at the right moment to start to do a subtle perspective shift. And I think what a lot of people, especially a lot of the guys I chat with, is happiness, or not just happiness, but you know, maybe a better state of mind. Mental Health seems like something in the future. It’s an outcome, right? It’s, and so much of what we’re conditioned to believe or think. And I would say our culture society is that, you know, external validators, when we get XYZ, I’ll be happy or Okay, when I finally am able to buy a house, I’ll be able to be happier, I get a promotion or make this or like, when I get married, or, you know, when I find somebody or whatever it is. And all I would say is like, it’s not a destination, you don’t hit that moment, and then are happy in perpetuity. You know, it’s actually pretty much the opposite. If you’re not happy at this moment, you’re not going to be happy when you get the promotion. And so, like you’re saying the idea of cultivating something or working on it, you know, my brother and I have chatted about this before and how things in life are, you know, like a business we’ve chatted about, but I think of it your mind being in your body and your life being a garden. You have to think of it that way.
Adam Baruh 43:49
Absolutely.
Tim Perreira 43:50
Because, you know, yeah, if you miss one day of water, you know, if it’s cloudy one day, all right, it’s gonna survive. If you forget, you know, to fertilize one month, yeah, it’s probably going to be okay. But you have to show up every day. And you show up because there’s happiness in showing up. And that’s, I think, what’s important what people miss, they see it as this target, when in reality, what you should be focusing on is the day to day and the little moments where you can be like, Oh, this is rad. Oh, this is super fun. I love doing this. And so getting your knees in the dirt, you know, planting new seeds, trying out new seasonal vegetables, grown some strawberries, I get eaten by rats. Okay, so I got to adjust. I gotta put a fence around it. Right. These are the things that happen in life. Yeah. And you have to be able to adjust and you have to just commit to showing up every day. And the next thing you know, you have a garden that’s just there, because you’re committing to show up and put in the work.
Adam Baruh 44:45
Yeah, I think it’s a great metaphor. Alright, so moving on a little bit. You have a 28-day challenge to overcome your inner critic or your inner critic. Connect with like minded men and create the framework to live a healthy life that you call the game plan. So if you tell us a little bit more about this program.
Tim Perreira 45:00
Yeah, so the game plan I, you know, I was thinking, I was actually going through some delays in manufacturing of the, the workout shorts from recycled plastic that I was making overseas. And I in the meantime, I was still chatting with a lot of guys. And so a lot of recurring themes were coming up and guys were like, hey, you know, I’m, I really would love to connect with other like minded guys, but also I need some accountability. And ultimately, I want to learn wellness tips, which was interesting. And so I was like, Okay, what do you mean, and they’re like, I just, I think I eat well, but maybe little, you know, little things here and there. So anyway, so I, I started getting all this feedback and just recording it was like, you know, what I want to do is put together a month long. So this one is specifically a group course. And so it’s like, bring guys together, have them be part of these group discussions. So we do five group discussions. And I send them daily emails, basically little micro lessons, I set up a morning routine for them, we have them do meditation, cold shower, journal, a little bit journal in the afternoon, make sure they get a certain amount of movement every day water or not, you know, coming up with anything out of this world, it’s just putting together the basics. And, and my idea is you don’t have to do this morning, or like I don’t nothing that I’m saying is is a prescription. It’s not like this is the answer. But the idea that actions drive beliefs and beliefs drive actions, and so approaching it from two different angles. So we focus on mindset, pretty much through the whole course and changing perspective and writing prompts and discussions we do. But also we get these guys in motion. So I come up with a morning routine for well explaining to them look, you don’t have to take a cold shower on the 20. If you hate it, if you don’t like getting up earlier than you normally do. If you don’t like writing, that’s fine. But you better be able to come up with something intentional for the life that you want. So it’s getting these guys on a track. And by eliminating things, you know, I recommend they don’t drink for 28 days, I recommend they avoid sugar, it’s on them if they want to. But I’m like the idea is to find a true baseline. And for you to understand how great you can feel in just a month. And really, it probably only takes a week to really start to see it by just doing some very simple things. It’s just the fundamentals of wellness. So combining that and then my favorite thing is focusing on mindset and everything in jam it into a month course. And allowing these guys to connect with other other men that are going through something similar has just been extremely powerful.
Adam Baruh 47:42
Yeah, I love that it’s a group session, because I think, you know, there’s there’s a lot to be said for just sharing having that safe space to share and, you know, go through like, a shared experience as well as everybody can relate to what’s going on. A lot of power behind that.
Tim Perreira 48:00
Yeah, it’s been it’s been awesome. It’s a that’s been the biggest, I guess positive feedback from it was just how incredible like the relationships that were built with these guys through the text and, and group calls. And just a month has been so cool.
Adam Baruh 48:14
Yeah, no, it sounds awesome. And so you just were mentioning to about the line of athletic apparel made from sustainable, recycled material. So tell us more about where that idea came from. And you know what you’re doing with that side of your business?
Tim Perreira 48:30
Yeah, so I mentioned when I was I was living in New York, I probably in early 2016. I had the idea I wanted to start my own company. And it was just the early stages of like, okay, what’s it going to be and the one idea I kept coming back to was workout shorts, I hated the ones I had at the time. I you know, and just growing up playing sports, being at the beach all the time, just very particular with you know, jerseys or uniforms or gear, just whatever it was. So just something I’ve I’ve loved is, you know, finding good clothing and you went out so anyway, it was I had heard one of the sharks, I think it was Barbara say, you know, if there’s an idea, you can’t get out of your head, it’s probably worth exploring. And so for me that was short. So I worked with a manufacturer in Sri Lanka, we sourced sustainable material from Taiwan. It took about 18 months to to try and manufacture overseas in the middle of COVID. We ran into just a ton of, of roadblocks and challenges but yeah, so just ended up making a pair of workout shorts from recycled ocean plastic that just come in two colors for guys black and olive. So it was an amazing experience to do. I know if I can do that during COVID can, you know I feel confident I could do anything else.
Adam Baruh 49:52
Awesome. Well, so finally, as we close here today, you know, tell us where our audience can find out more about you and get connected.
Tim Perreira 50:00
Yeah, I post on LinkedIn. Every day I write on LinkedIn, you can just reach out to me I respond to everything and in DMS and whatnot. It’s Tim Perreira and I’m the 30 something looking guy, not my dad who’s mid 60s with the same name. But um, yeah, so I post their I, my newsletter I send out every Saturday morning called The Weekly Dose. You can sign up for that at tperreira.com. And then I also do one on one coaching for men through there and you can book a call but that’s, that’s the only social I’m really on and active on.
Adam Baruh 50:34
All right. Well, thank you so much for the work that you are doing sport men’s health and for being a guest here today.
Tim Perreira 50:40
Yeah, thanks, Adam. It was awesome. Appreciate it.
Adam Baruh 50:43
After battling depression for four years, moving across the country four times and changing jobs every year, Tim Perreira realized the hard way that there was more to life and happiness than chasing commission checks and promotions. Tim uses his experiences with mental health and wellness to help guys find meaning feel great, and do more of what they love. He’s a mindset and wellness coach for men and has launched a sustainable activewear company making workout shorts from recycled ocean plastic, all focused on helping guys get healthy and happy. Throughout his community and group coaching. Tim helps connect like minded guys by helping them live a healthy life full of meaning and purpose. Leaning on his 15 plus years of experience, Tim has created a holistic approach to wellness, focusing on mindset, sleep, nutrition, and movement. You could read more about Tim on our website, eiqmediallc.com. Our theme song and sound engineering was provided by Shane Suffriti. You can listen to more of Shane’s music at www.shanesuffriti.com. If you have a story to share about how you found meaning and a healthy life, or if you want to tell us what you think about our podcast, send me an email at thechange@eiqmediallc.com. Thank you all for listening. We’ll see you next time on The Change.
EIQ Media, LLC 52:04
The Change is produced and distributed by EIQ Media LLC. Elevate your emotional IQ with podcasts and constant focused on leadership, mental health, entrepreneurship and more.
